Vilnius 2016

VILLINUS VILLAINS 2016

11th -14th September 2016

Sid had started his journey in the mini bus from Uttoxeter at 02:30 to collect the remaining Squarrites along the way.

Good progress was made with the final call at Junction 17 ten minutes ahead of schedule to collect Jacko.

In the dark and with darkened windows it could have been a bus full of illegal immigrants as he entered.

“By Jove” said Jacko.

“It's Ken Dodd!” replied Sid.

The driver followed his Sat Nav and ignored the signs to Liverpool John Lennon Airport to arrive by the back door via a mile of road humps.

Ghostly voices with Scouse accents gave instructions and opened barriers to allow access.

Brolly led the way past baggage drop to check in where all went well except for 2pie who was stopped for less than 100ml of shaver gel but in a 200ml container. Rubber gloves were fixed and the liquid and case were swabbed and tested.

The shampoo had been similarly packed so that the procedure was repeated but with new rubber gloves.

Frankie & Bennies offered the best breakfast deal but required a 40 minute wait so the Squarrites opted for the Kissing Gate for full English breakfasts at £7.95.

The breakfast bun with bacon, sausage or egg at £5.95 appeared even better until the significance of the “or” was noted.

Rob had a walking App that included Vilnius on his Smartphone so the route to the Hotel would be assured. Sid said that he trusted Yup's planning on all things except distances. Last year's short walk to the Italian had proved a gruelling experience.

The Squarrites had chosen to fly with unreserved seats and were distributed throughout the plane. The journey was uneventful and landed in brilliant sunshine.

Vilnius airport was modern and friendly until passport control where an ex Soviet

“female” shot putter gestured to advance. Her lips curled and the face turned even uglier to indicate that perhaps the boarding pass was also required.

The bus driver spoke good English but explained that Vilnius central area was sealed off for the annual Marathon. No bus could get through but a bus to the City Depot was available. The fare was only 1 Euro and seemed remarkable value but turned out to be just a 1 mile journey.

Rob entered the hotel address into his phone and led the way through the Marathon spectators to the Best Western where rooms were allocated

Yup & JC 706 Bill & Jacko 712 Sean & Tim 413

Tony & Brolly 505 Brian & Andy 502 Sid & Stubee 707

Dave Gater 415 Rob Gater 509 Dave Harding 505

A few introductory beers were taken in the lounge while the drawn out check in procedures took place as inherited from the Soviet era principal for full employment.

One receptionist operated the computer while the other was in charge of coloured pens and the spread sheet.

Wednesday 14th September

3 taxis to the airport were ordered but the first one away took the short cut exit through the underpass to meet 2 lorries on their way in.

A frantic reversal and multi-point turn within the concrete walls of the underpass was achieved with much cursing.

The enraged driver set off for the airport and drove with a heavy right foot and much clutch slipping. He drove alternatively accelerating or braking and occasionally changing out of second gear.

With all the delays the first taxi away had ended as the last one to the airport but Yup had turned his phone off so the location of each group was uncertain.

When Ali G was asked if he had tablets he produced his clear plastic bag of pharmaceuticals.

“Tablets or other electrical devices” he was corrected.

The Ryanair plane was delayed by 40 minutes and the airport appeared empty until there was a sudden long queue to the gate.

The first 100 passengers were allowed to take their baggage into the cabin but most Squarrites had green stickers attached to their bags to be left on the tarmac for loading to the hold.

The queue line quickly moved forward and the Squarrites were seated for a famous fast Ryanair turnround.

The journey home proved uneventful but Sid had a problem. In the suddenness of the baggage swap he had left his passport in his bag which would end up in Liverpool on the wrong side of passport control.

Squarrite Hon. Treasurer and hero of the day Tony quickly found Sid's bag on the carousel and relayed the passport over the security barrier to Sid.

Another wonderful trip was over and the Squarrites said goodbye to The Gaters, and Sean.

The taxi arrived in minutes to whisk the Squarrites homewards.

Notes by the one and only Jacko.

(Many Thanks yet again Keith. Fabulous notes .....Yuppers)

A respite from drinking was required so Yup led the Squarrites across the Town Hall Square to another bar for another selection of beers served by a member of the local heavy metal group. Press play to listen.

2Pie Hard Dave had a slight spillage but no-one noticed. And no-one laughed...... We then tripped back over the construction site towards the Uzupis area and the gothic church.

A quick visit to the underground toilet by the Terrace bar was called for but Bill managed to find another loo deep in the park. The rest of the group formed a neat line and waited patiently in the square, admiring the local sites, for around half an hour.

11 chicken pasties were ordered at The Slatoil food to go shop and were heated to various temperatures in a microwave.

B.Ed found packs of food labelled “Fany” and “Elephant”. “And I thought that beaver was pushing it” he said

Tony had to wait while the microwave was re-filled only to find that after some delay the server dropped the pasty on the floor.

Tony walked out hungry.

The distance of the walk back to the Hotel seemed to get shorter with every journey. The Beer Museum was showing Premier League football on the giant television while

JC admitted that his short term memory was fading.

“You told me that a minute ago” said Sid.

The Squarrites re-grouped in the cellars of Bamb Alyne to more beers served with side dishes of cheese fried bread soldiers, Pigs' ears and salami. Stubbee remarked that he didn't like the fatty one on the end.

“Don't talk about Yup like that” said Sid.

The air was still rife with the talk of Yuprising and B.Ed. challenged Yup in the style of the Strutters from the MoneySupermarket.com ad.

He hitched up his little shorts even tighter and minced across the room like a man used to wearing high heeled sling backs.

Yup played My Way on his phone but B.Ed. sang “…..and not the Bri Way”.

Several Humpalumpas (Humalupus), Cams Lupus, and Green Monster were consumed.

Yup divided the Squarrites into 4 teams for the Exit Rooms with an agreed changeover 1 hour later.

Eight Squarrites set off to find the Gates of Dawn to see if the piper was still there. A priest was conducting a service in the small room above the gate with a huge window open. “Is that Yuppers in a frock?” asked Ali G.

Stubbee and Ali G cast a professional eye at the local cycle lane with its little amendment to detour around a lamp.

The first escapees were set to leave the Exit room after being released by the system. The instructions had said that no force was necessary but Andy had been tempted to rip the locked cabinets from the wall.

The early group proved again their lack of lateral thinking ability by failing to find the gate opening button.

The instructress had said that the Exit Room conducted corporate meetings. The young members often experimented with all things available while the seniors rarely got beyond forming a committee. And so it proved with young Rob enthusiastically putting every piece of apparatus into every orifice and with only a little guidance via the telephone led his group of 4 out.

Tuesday 13th September

The hotel was busy with Chinese tourists and a corporate affair at tables set out in the restaurant. Breakfast was taken in a new room but was still good with full English and a choice of juices.

Yup suggested a visit to the Exit Room at 10:15 and an itinerary for the day that allowed a return for a shower.

“A shower in the afternoon” said B.Ed “I wish I'd thought of that”.

Sid reported that he'd carted his extra large sun cream around all day only to leave it at some pub the previous night.

There was bad news and good news.

The forecast was cool and overcast but Sid had found his sun cream under his bed.

A quick shower was taken before hitting the streets 1 hour later.

The Old Town Square was charming and even had a beer bike like the one the Squarrites had pedalled through the streets of Berlin.

Lokys Restaurant was full but a reservation was made to allow a few beers as aperitifs. The menu included venison, boar roast and rustic beaver with mashed potato and spinach.

The waitress took the orders and the first 4 chose beaver. “I hope you've got plenty of beaver, I fancy the same” said Jacko.

Sid tired of the ladies choir singing the National Anthem and ordered a taxi back to the Hotel but six Squarrites opted to walk back through the floodlit University area.

Brolly man was so impressed that he decided to water the hydrangeas.

Ice Creams were bought at the café on the way back to the bus terminus and, despite a detour to inspect the church, the 5:00 bus was waiting and quickly filling while Tony purchased 15 tickets.

More mini pasties were bought at the bus station before a walk back to the Hotel via the bar Svieseus Alutis for selection of draught beers and local cuisine.

B.Ed suggests change to Baltic Bugle. “Just mention the idea into his ear as he goes to sleep” he said to JC.

JC replied “He'd be awake all night but at least I'll be able to sleep.............." A Yuprising was in the air.

The distance to the Hotel seemed shorter though the traffic was more frantic with cars racing through traffic light controlled junctions at breakneck speed.

The little town was pretty with houses constructed from aged timber and roofs of layers of bark.

A boat was moored by the bridge to the island in the lake guarded by a lovely man with trousers so pressed and white that they hurt the unprotected eye.

Yup negotiated a group discount for a grand tour around the island.

The sailor boy gave a commentary in good English of the history and significance of the area.

He had worked in Londonderry as a builder/bouncer and had worked in Australia until his visa had expired. He had also worked in Denmark where he had learnt his fibre glass skills that had enabled him to build the boat.

The moisturiser on his porcelain cheeks glistened in the sun and Yup took a crafty photo allegedly to take home to Barb. “She likes to see the people we meet” he claimed.

The lake was the home of the Lithuanian national rowing team and the European Junior championship rowing regatta had been held there earlier in the year.

The Castle had been derelict but substantially reconstructed in modern times.

It was, nevertheless, impressive and in a beautiful setting.

Monday 12th September

Alarms were set for 8:15 for a breakfast of cereal, eggs, bacon, a choice of sausage, and fruit washed down with coffee and juice.

The shopping plaza looked even tattier in the daylight. A sign on the Eden girlie bar door proclaimed a ban on handguns.

Bus service 1g was boarded at the traffic lights and followed the route walked the day before to the Bus Station where the Squarrites discovered that the bus from platform 8 to Trakai had just left with the next one a 2 hour wait.

Fortunately another bus on platform 28 to Trakai was waiting and Tony purchased 15 tickets at 1.80 Euros each.

The sun was shining and the temperature at 31 degrees as the Squarrites set off to the Castle.

Three charming cougar ladies were waiting for a taxi and were surprised to learn of the fit Squarrite's intention to walk all the way.

The Squarrites found their way to Sololado Sostine where tables had been placed on the terrace. A fine selection of Ice creams and pastries were available but 15 beers were selected from the fridge at a cost of 32 Euros.

The three cougars waved as they walked by.

Yup read from the profile register he was soon to revise.

Many beers were consumed before a trek on boardwalks over a construction site that gave access to the Uzupis district and the Uzupio Picerija Italian restaurant. The girl in charge rearranged all of the existing diners and re-ordered the tables so that all 15 Squarrites could be together. She even asked 4 diners to leave.

A selection of pizzas with various toppings was ordered but when 2Pie's pizza arrived he complained that the olives had been omitted. The young manageress was unperturbed and returned with a bowl of olives, anchovies and chillies with a gesture of “make your own pizza “. “The pizza you ordered did not include olives” she said.

Brian shared a bottle of wine with Andy and was invited to smell the cork. “I'm getting bananas and sunflowers” he decided.

2Pie complained about the heat from the overhead electric heater but could not reach the crude connector. “Stand in that bucket of water” said Sid “You'll reach it then.” The manageress returned and disconnected the heater only to hear 2Pie complain that he was now cold.

Three taxis were ordered for a race back to the Hotel through empty streets. One driver had worked in Barnstable as a club bouncer while another had a liking for heavy metal and filled the night air with the sound of AC/DC.

Yup was in the mini bus and was asked to move up to a seat that had been removed. He sat with one cheek on seat 2 and the other on occupied seat 4. “Surely that's stretching things a bit” said Jacko.

There was just time to visit the Vilnius Beer Museum in the adjacent semi derelict shopping plaza for a nightcap before bed.

Yup led the way to former KGB Headquarters (Museum of Genocide Victims) maintained as a memorial to the Soviet occupation and repression. The rooms contained displays of the hundreds of Lithuanians exiled to Russian labour camps and their replacement by ethnic Russians in a Sovietisation programme. A guide explained that his own Grandmother had been exiled in 1947 and did not return until 1969.

A thunderous face appeared from behind a display. “Never, ever trust a Russian” he thundered. “I know because I am from Finland”.

There were displays of the resistance movements operating from the forests all the way to the collapse of communism and the removal of the statue of Lenin shown sawn off at the knees. The Squarrites gathered in the cinema room to gaze intently at a blank screen.

The execution room in the basement showed details of the dismissal of undesirables and their dispatch through the window to the courtyard.